Don't You Care?
by ultraviolence13
Summary: As much a story of first love found as it is of first love lost. How did Severus and Lily fall apart?
1. Chapter 1

"Don't you care about the future anymore?"

The irony of Lily's word choice was not lost on Severus. He bit his tongue from snapping straight back at her. The future. Was it so impossible for her to realise that it was her future he was fighting for? Her arms were crossed over her chest, an uncharacteristic look of defiance colouring her usually peaceful features. "Of course I do." His response was mechanical, as unsympathetic as a tired parent hastily consoling a child following a temper tantrum. He knew immediately that she would be quick to anger, she always wore her emotions on her sleeve for all to see. This was a trait he typically found abhorrent, like most other Gryffindor characteristics, but on Lily all emotions seemed only to intensify her beauty. What he did not expect was for her to crumble in front of him, green eyes watering, resolve quaking right in the middle of the courtyard. "You don't care!" Though the words trembled from her lips, they elicited strange power, cloying at Severus' heart, begging him to understand. "Mary MacDonald… the muggle family that were massacred in Dublin… Can't you see that everything is falling apart?" Lily was now so close he could feel her breath on his face, a frustrating distraction from his own resolve. "Things will settle." His eyes were now deliberately closed, which only hurt Lily more. "For you, maybe. But not for me." He knew she was referring to her unfortunate blood-status, but he was so sure that the Dark Lord would overlook that, if he proved his worth, his importance, surely, he would understand. Severus reached out for Lily, clasping her forearms. "You are so much more than your blood." Her mouth popped open with silent shock, and then her face fell almost as quickly. "You don't know anything." There it was, the rage within blending with the sob that threatened to show her weakness. She turned on her heels and left, refusing to let him see her tears. Not him. He was no longer worthy of witnessing her feelings, could no longer be trusted to see the inner-workings of her heart. Alone in the courtyard he shivered, feeling a cold sensation wash over him. He watched as Lily Evans walked away from him, red hair spilling down her back, glowing under the winter sun like a barely-there ethereal vision.

Much to Lily's annoyance, her first class the next day was Double Potions. She's never been much of an actress, and today was definitely going to test her. Now on a regular day, this was one of her favourite classes of the week, second to Charms but claiming first as it was the lesson when she would spend two full hours next to her Slytherin best friend. Professor Slughorn was always encouraging of co-operation between houses, especially when it was between Lily, his personal favourite, and Severus, the potions prodigy. Would she sit with him today? Yes, she decided, sitting at their usual table. More classmates trickled into the room, but none were Severus. Would he even want to sit with her? She slumped down over her textbook, unbrushed hair splayed out over the desk. It seemed only more and more likely everyday that the growing influence of Avery or Mulciber would overpower hers and claim Severus for their own. Why would a Slytherin, descendant of the Prince family, albeit half-blood, want to sit next to a muggle-born like herself? _You are so much more than your blood. _What did he mean? Was it a compliment- that all things considered she was an extraordinarily talented witch? Lily didn't need to be told that, she took her magical excellence in her stride, but that skill does not make her worth any more, or any less, than any other muggle-born. Her blood was her own. She refused to feel ashamed for her heritage. She loved her parents, her friends from primary school, and even Petunia. The muggle world was equally as full of wonder as the wizarding one, a fact proved over and over each day as muggles made amazing technological advances and fought for social reforms that enforced equality. _Equality, _she sighed, wouldn't that be nice. It was as if she had one foot in, one foot out of both worlds. But at this moment it felt that neither world wanted her for their own. At home she had to hide her abilities, which only made the magic that flowed from her seem like the most natural thing in the world. But at school she so desperately craved the muggle comforts of Cokeworth, the mundane conversations about music, fashion and movies with her friends and family… It was an impossible situation. And the impending War only made it more unbearable.

"Lily." She peeked through her hair curtains. Severus. Expression as controlled as ever, eyes just as dark as yesterday. But his voice was warmer, questioning. He stood beside his usual chair, waiting for her permission. "Sev." The use of his nickname acted as an open invitation. Only Lily called him this, and he would always be her Sev. With a clumsy sweep of her arm, she pushed her books to her side, leaving him space to pull out his ridiculously tattered potions books. Slughorn bumbled in, with a quick wave of his wand silencing the rest of the class. There were only about fifteen students in O.W.L Potions, a number which would be reduced down to ten the following year, meaning that the students in the class were all highly skilled and equally as competitive. With another elaborate flourish of Slughorn's wand, a series of ingredients landed on students desks along with a cauldron and various other Potions-making tools. Lily picked up a cloudy, white rock, holding it up to the light, smiling as it reflected a rainbow of colours across Severus' face. "Moonstone." Severus groaned, he had already worked out what they would be brewing today. "This is the sixth time we've made Draught of Peace this year." He muttered under his breath, closing his eyes as Lily made the sunbeams dance across his face. "It's probably for Madam Pomfrey, stocking up for exams already…." Lily mused, eyes following the light on Severus. "And Slughorn's too lazy to do it himself." Severus finished, glaring up at the portly Professor, who was scribbling instructions across the chalkboard. "Draught of Peace!" Slughorn exclaims turning back to his class with gusto, followed by a series of groans and grumbles across the class. Lily nudged Severus, then gestured towards James Potter who already looked half-asleep. "You and Potter are more alike than you think." She teased, Severus gave her a narrow-eyed scowl while Lily laughed, only catching Potter's ever watchful eye. "Sir, maybe you've forgotten, but haven't we already made this potion?" Potter was being intentionally loud, his eyes kept flitting towards Lily, hoping to make her smile. "Right you are Mr Potter, but seeing as the only pair to successfully master it was Mr Snape and Miss Evans, we will have to keep persevering until the rest of you cotton on!" Potter's displeasure greatly pleased Severus, but what pleased him even more was the pairing of him and Lily's names, a perfect pair in potions and in…. "Perhaps we ought to switch up partners then? Give everyone else a fair chance? I'll take Evans." Potter's cheek stopped Severus' whimsical fantasies in its tracks. Slughorn chuckled, "Wonderful suggestion Mr Potter! Alas I would not be wanting Miss Evans to earn your grade for you, and therefore for a pairing of equal abilities I suggest you partner with Mr Mulciber." Potter's face immediately fell, while Lily's soft giggle attracted Severus' gaze. She was so heartbreakingly beautiful.

"I'm still mad at you." Lily said in a matter-of-fact manner while she added three spoonsful of powdered unicorn horn to the brew. "That's enough." Severus ignored her question, using his own hand to close her fist, preventing her from adding the fourth measurement of powder. "I'm following the instructions" He always had to one up her, show off that his knowledge extended beyond that of a text book. Unfortunately for Lily he was almost always right, she glared down at their potion which was melting into the desired pink colour. "Sometimes it's better to follow your instinct than what Slughorn says." This prompted a quick-wit response from Lily, where the words sprung straight out of her mouth without restraint. "Does the same apply to you and your Death Eater friends? Or is it your instinct telling you that its entertainment to slaughter muggles for sport?" _That's not fair_, he thought to himself, choosing to ignore her dramatized dig at the company he keeps. None of his friends were technically Death Eaters, nor would they bother with killing muggles. Well, except maybe Mulciber, and if the Ministry held onto power for future years, he was definitely promised a one-way-ticket to Azkaban. Severus looked over his shoulder at the brute, Mulciber and Potter were struggling to keep up with the rest of their class, constantly bickering. At this rate neither Pureblood would make it to N.E.W.T level, which would keep both Lily and Severus happy. Their potion had now turned a deep purple, ready for the next stage, Severus held out his hand for the powdered moonstone. Instead, Lily took it upon herself to let it trickle in, the potion fast-fading to grey. "You think there's only two sides. But you're ignoring the fact that there's always light in the dark, and dark in the light. I know all about Dumbledore's secret battalion. How he's manipulating naïve Gryffindors into laying down their lives before they've barely begun." Lily looked at him with a quiet sadness. "How is that any different to what Voldemort's doing to you?"

"Don't say his name." Severus' dark eyes quickly darted around the room, paranoia setting in, wand gripped tightly in his hand. "I'm not scared of a name, Severus." He noted that she had reverted to calling him his given name again, distancing herself from him. "Only you'd be foolish enough to think you could take on the Dark Lord." Like the last embers on a dying fire, the potion glowed orange. In Lily's eyes he saw flames reflected. "I would. Given the opportunity I would kill him. Or die trying." The intensity of her determination worried him. He had no doubt she was telling him her truth.


	2. Chapter 2

Breakfast in the Great Hall was always a lively affair over at the Gryffindor table. Seated across from Lily were the Marauders, engaged in one of their many fickle arguments about the morality of their pranks from the night before. It violently ended when Remus accidentally knocked over his pumpkin juice onto Sirius' lap. Wands were drawn and the whole school's attention felt as if it were upon the Gryffindor table. It would always end in laughter though, especially when Sirius casually picked up his own glass and poured it over Remus' head in retaliation. No magic required for his revenge. A blonde-haired Gryffindor, Marlene McKinnon, was especially entertained. Her eyes were glued to Sirius' sodden uniform, a look of lust that Lily picked up on. "I dare you to challenge Black to a wet t-shirt competition." Lily nudged her best friend, eyes flashing with the typical giddiness of a teenage girl referring to anything flirtatious. Marlene leant in, and with a smirk picked up a lock of Lily's hair, twirling it delicately between her fingers. "Only if you ask James the same." Her sickly-sweet tone forced a hot blush across Lily's cheeks that rivalled the red of her hair. "Not this again." Lily groaned, tucking her hair behind her ears self-consciously. "C'mon Lils. He wouldn't be a bad first." Marlene deliberately leant back in her seat, pretending to check out James Potter, only making Lily more flustered. Of course, Lily wasn't completely blind- she understood the aesthetic appeal of James Potter. He was typically handsome, in that wholesome rugged boy-next-door kind of way, the kind of guy your parents would love you to bring home. Shame about his arrogance and his stupid childish pranks. Lily decided to avert attention from her obvious blush, "Who said he'd be my first?" She rebuffed. That worked. Marlene's jaw dropped, the piece of toast she intended to eat dropped back to her plate. "Lily Evans I am scandalized!" This broke Lily, who started to laugh as Marlene rolled her eyes.

Severus had been fixated on the Gryffindor table from the moment Lily had walked in with her friends some twenty minutes ago. He should really have been completing his neglected Charms homework, but the Marauders were up to their antics and he watched on in hope there was something in there he could use against them later. That, and, he was pining after Lily again. Fortunately, Mulciber, Avery, and the other half of Slytherin house preferred to skip breakfast for an extra hour of sleep, which meant he was free to think and dream about the Gryffindor muggle-born. Just now she had thrown her head back in laughter, red hair cascading down her back and a touch of pink colouring her cheeks. This worried him. She seemed overstimulated, excited, and there was a twinkle in her eyes he couldn't quite place. He'd never been blessed with that sparkle. Whereas Potter was seated a mere three people from her, surely the glimmer of love in her eyes was not for him? Severus scowled into his mug of coffee, he hated what liking Lily did to him. Last night he'd barely slept, worrying about her daft threats against the Dark Lord. There was no question in his mind that she would follow through with those threats given the chance. The reckless bravado of Gryffindor that was admired by so many, was lost on him. When he'd eventually concluded that Lily would never be in position to challenge the Dark Lord his mind had turned to a less pressing thought-process, wondering about how things would be between them during the Christmas break. Most Christmases they would both return to Cokeworth, him to the desolate hovel that was Spinner's End and her to the judgment of her awful elder sister. This year was going to be different. Mr and Mrs Evans were planning on holidaying in the United States, but they had said that Lily was more than welcome to spend Christmas with Petunia, and her muggle boyfriend back at home. Unwilling to taint Christmas with countless arguments with Petunia, Lily had decided that she would spend this Christmas at Hogwarts, and Severus had quickly agreed on doing the same. He had it all planned out- Christmas Eve in the astronomy tower, telling stories of the skies, being together on Christmas Day, exchanging gifts and promises of many more Christmases together… And all such plans were rudely interrupted by their latest dispute. She hadn't spoken to him aside from in Potions class, and while he was thankful that she had the decency to pretend that all was well in front of Slughorn, he could not help feeling the crippling hurt of her severed contact. That would have to change, he decided. Today, no, tonight, he would have to bring his plans forward.

There was a palpable excitement in the air. Classes were finally over, and Lily was ready for two weeks of rest and relaxation in the empty castle. It also meant that tonight was the annual end of year shindig hosted by the Gryffindor tower, were all houses- bar Slytherin- were invited to attend and experience a taste of Gryffindor frivolity. In front of the shared mirror was Marlene, in Lily's flared jeans and a bright pink and blue tie-up shirt that flashed her stomach. "These are a million times sexier than dress robes. You are so taking to me to muggle London in summer!" As the token muggle-born of the trio's room, Lily's clothes were always hot in demand for parties, Hogsmeade visits and special occasions. The sound of David Bowie floated through the room, Alice had discovered Lily's charmed cassette player, and was marvelling at the invention. "I can't believe you got this to work!" She gushed, stroking the player, holding it up to her ear. "I did need a little help from Professor Flitwick." Lily confessed. "But it was nothing too difficult- just a realignment charm to make it run off magical energy." Marlene and Alice shared a look, typical of top student Lily to think outside the box, very Ravenclaw of her. "Bowie is simply _magical_\- are we sure he isn't a wizard? Or even a squib?" Alice seemed to be besotted by the muggle singer, if there's one things muggles did infinitely better it was pop culture. "Sadly not. But Stevie Nicks is one-hundred-percent witch." Lily grinned throwing Alice a Fleetwood Mac tape. Marlene crossed the room to peer over the tape with Alice, leaving Lily to get undressed in front of the mirror, stripping to her underwear. Lily looked over herself with curiosity, it wasn't often that she'd spend moments analysing her appearance. But it was evident that her body had significantly developed this year, she'd lost a bit of weight in some places, put it back on in others. "Am I fat?" She wondered out loud. "Only in all the right places." Alice comforted while Marlene approached Lily, an impish look in her eyes. "And James Potter likes what he sees." That made Lily feel awkward, she was constantly torn between her growing attraction for Potter and her disappointment at how he treated others. "Don't forget Snape!" Alice chimed. That made Lily whirl around, "Sev doesn't look at me that way." She blurted out only to receive two eye-rolls from her roommates. Lily wasn't an idiot, she'd seen that way Severus had changed around her in the past year, cautious to touch her, eyes carefully focusing on her face, avoiding attention elsewhere. All indicative of a crush, a crush that Lily didn't want to face yet. "Yet your blush says otherwise." Marlene reached out to touch Lily's hot cheek, her hand slapped away by Lily. "We're friends. Best friends. Anything more than that would be-"She struggled to find the words, she knew that somewhere in her heart was the room to grow to love Severus romantically, but was also sure that would lead to inevitable heartbreak. "Too much. It would be too much." Lily finished, moving away from Marlene's analytical stare and busying herself with her dresser. "You do like James then?" Alice leaped from the bed excitedly. "I knew it! Marlene you owe me 5 galleons!" Lily pulled out a series of options, torn between a floaty green two piece and a bright red one. "Red. Red's your colour Lils." Marlene decided, Lily nodded and stepped into the dress. It fitted her perfectly. "Hold onto your gold Marlene, I haven't said I liked Potter."

"Yet." Alice squeaked from her bed.

The Gryffindor common room was alight with life- the Firewhisky and Butterbeer were flowing, the music loud, and the whole room had been enchanted to take on an alluring red glow. Magical co-operation between the three houses could be observed in every corner – Christmastime always had a 'come together' vibe for the Hogwarts students. When realising Sirius was more interested in doing shots with the Marauders than talking to her, Marlene had turned her flirtations towards the Ravenclaw Quidditch Captain who was enamoured by her confidence and quick-wit. Alice was locked in a tight embrace with her long-time boyfriend Frank, neither could keep eyes off one another. It made Lily's heart hurt to watch, in that _I'm missing something _kind of way. That did not mean she wasn't enjoying herself though- she kept herself at the heart of the party. She was just explaining the form and function of television to a curious Hufflepuff when she was tapped on the shoulder. James. He was radiant. Like the sun, difficult to look at after a while. "Sorry to interrupt what I'm sure is an enlightening conversation- But, would you like to dance Evans?" His drunken confidence made Lily pity the poor boy just a little. She apologised to the Hufflepuff and took James' extended hand. "One dance." She instructed, though he nodded solemnly she noticed him steal a look of success with Sirius, who egged him on from across the room. Potter was a truly terrible dancer. Clumsy, and his hands flailing everywhere, constantly bumping into her and then profusely apologising. The strangest part about it was that instead of getting irritated, Lily was beginning to find it endearing, laughing along with him. Something akin to happiness was working its way inside her. Perhaps it was the alcohol, perhaps it was the truth she had long ignored. But she thought she had to say something. "Why are you so persistent with me Potter?" She had to yell over the loud music, and immediately hoped that said music would prevent him from hearing it. But he had. "James. Call me James." She rolled her eyes in response to his cockiness, the white-toothed smile he flashed her. "Potter. I've given you no reason to believe I reciprocate whatever this is…" She gestured to the way in which his eyes glowed, the way his hand was both tight and soft on her waist. "I think you're worth it Evans. Call me crazy, but one day I think you'll be worth it." Lily laughed at his feeble attempt at being romantic, it was almost as clumsy as his dancing. "Don't hold your breath." Her words were warning, but her simultaneous smile was all that was needed to inspire him to keep trying.


End file.
